Therapy for Couples
Statistics show that when people get divorced it is NOT because they have more or bigger problems, it is because they are less connected. When we fall in love, we naturally and more easily attune to our partner. We show up for them, and we are attentive to their needs. We respond to them in positive, support ways. We are all in—we want to know about them and we’re eager to be with them and be involved in their life. There are many things that can get in the way of connection with our spouse or partner. Perhaps our past experiences in relationships with our family or significant others have left us feeling untrusting or hesitant to love fully and deeply. Many of us have experienced trauma of some kind that leaves us feeling raw and resistant to opening up, thus leaving us vulnerable to hurt again. Injuries to our relationship due to times when we feel like our partner didn’t show up for us, or left us in our most vulnerable moments can leave us feeling alone and uncared for. Addictions, affairs, or abuse to varying degrees seem to take us to the very edge of wanting to give up on the relationship altogether.
There is hope. In my experience, most couples truly want to connect with each other but old patterns of ineffectively reaching for each other have kept them stuck. When we try and reach for our partner to be heard, understood, and loved but we didn’t end up getting the comfort or reassurance we needed, there really are only two alternatives we turn to that as human beings we use to manage those feelings of disconnect and seeming rejection. We tend to either protest and push back in an effort to elicit a response from our partner to show they care about us (often angry criticism) or we withdraw in an effort to minimize our need for closeness and connection (stay silent and move away from our partner).
With these responses in play, it’s easy to get caught up in a negative cycle (our dance) that leaves us stepping on each other’s toes and ultimately hurting each other and ourselves. I work from the approach of Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy (EFT) in which I work as a collaborator with you, as the couple, to identify what this pattern is in your relationship. I help you identify the underlying emotions behind your anger and distancing. What most people discover, or already know, is that underneath their anger or withdrawal is hurt, loneliness, and often fear of being rejected. I help you identify these feelings and share them with your partner so you can begin to move out of negative cycle and begin to effectively reach for each other and repair the injuries that have been troubling your relationship. All relationships can benefit from this type of therapy. It can take couples on the brink of divorce back to safety and loving agin. It can make good marriages even more loving and fulfilling. To know someone truly has our back; to know we are deeply loved is what we all long for. It’s what makes us human and what connects us all.
With these responses in play, it’s easy to get caught up in a negative cycle (our dance) that leaves us stepping on each other’s toes and ultimately hurting each other and ourselves. I work from the approach of Emotionally Focused Couple’s Therapy (EFT) in which I work as a collaborator with you, as the couple, to identify what this pattern is in your relationship. I help you identify the underlying emotions behind your anger and distancing. What most people discover, or already know, is that underneath their anger or withdrawal is hurt, loneliness, and often fear of being rejected. I help you identify these feelings and share them with your partner so you can begin to move out of negative cycle and begin to effectively reach for each other and repair the injuries that have been troubling your relationship. All relationships can benefit from this type of therapy. It can take couples on the brink of divorce back to safety and loving agin. It can make good marriages even more loving and fulfilling. To know someone truly has our back; to know we are deeply loved is what we all long for. It’s what makes us human and what connects us all.
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Watch this short clip from Dr. Sue Johnson, author of "Hold Me Tight" and creator of Emotionally Focused Couple's Therapy, for more information about the foundations of love and connection. |